Four Score and...WTF?

So this week, on Thursday, is Abraham Lincoln's 200th birthday; to be honest, I'm so happy for the old guy. He doesn't look a day over 125.

For real though, there is a Lincoln orgy going on in this country right now. The New York Times even took a break from reassuring limousine liberals that it is not in financial hot water to run a piece on some new books about Abraham Lincoln that are coming out around this historic birthday. Accompanying the story are some cool cartoons of the 16th President.

New lets get real. Maybe its just me, but I am at the point where I doubt whether many of the anecdotes attributed to the Great Emancipator are true. I mean, he did not free the slaves. He freed slaves in parts of the country that were NOT PART OF THE COUNTRY in 1863. He was a great President who held the country together in perhaps its most trying time, but I feel like we are talking about Augustus in the age of Constantine here. Lincoln is nevertheless a vital part of the American myth; if pennies go out of circulation I will NOT be happy.

I do really want to go to the Abraham Lincoln Birthplace National Historic Site. They built a Greek Temple around a reconstruction of the cabin in which he was born. Get into it.

T-T-T-TR

So in light of Barack Obama's coming inaguration I would like to offer some advice to teh next Leader of the World/ Baller in Chief:
I know that everybody is talking about FDR as a model for your presidency, but I would like to offer up another suggestion. The other President Roosevelt. TR!

I think its clear what I am talking about from these two portraits. I don't see Barack rockin that little string off of his glasses! In fact, he's not wearing glasses at all--he probably has contact lenses, which are commonly known to be the work of the Devil and will result in your eyes falling out on your 60th birthday. This is a fact.

But back to TR, my favorite President. I have a bust of him on my desk even now as I am writing this. If you don't believe me, ask anyone I know. Chances are they will not hesitate to embarass me by verifying this story. Why is TR my favorite president, you ask? Well, let me enumerate just a few of the reasons:

1. He made the Grand Canyon a National Park.
2. He was a rancher.
3. He wrote the definitive Naval History of the War of 1812 (bonus question: What was a main cause of the War of 1812?)
4. He was on a hike in the Catskills when he learned that President McKinley had been shot and that he would become president.
5. In his "comeback tour" he won the most votes of any 3rd Party candidate, with the Bull Moose party.
6. He killed more animals for fun than any other President.
7. He's from NEW YORK, just like Ja Rule.
8. He is present in a picture of Abraham Lincoln's funeral procession through New York City.
9. He is named after the Teddy Bear (I am just told that this might not be true. I will have to check and get back to you).
   
10. He built the Panama Canal.

OK so that last one brings me to his biggest shortcoming, but its kindof a biggie. Jingoism. Yes he thought that the US of A could do whatever we wanted in Latin America. This is not cool. President Elect Obama, don't be about the Roosevelt Corollary.

I guess what I am really trying to say is, Barack (Can I call you Barack?), should I get this cartoon as a tattoo?