when i was a young boy

there comes a time in every man's life when he needs to stand up for what he believes in. fuck the haters, money over bullshit, music is my savior (MIMS), jesus christ superstar, the lord is my witness, im on that midnight train to georgia, 42, there are many copies, meth mouth, halo, can't tell me nothing, new york times crossword puzzles, umphrey's, teddy roosevelt, superbad, custom machine-knit sweaters, banana fitteds, bobby bonilla, mark zuckerberg, all eyez on me, nikes, the g-men, king philip's war, ball till you fall, one blood, shredding, leather-bound books, 40s (theme), historical maps, gat in my lap, THE ALAN PARSONS PROJECT.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jnwbewZHHKE

Megabus Pros and Cons

There are a few reasons why megabus is a great way to travel between NY and DC. There are also a few reasons why they fucking suck fat elephant dick.

Reason number 1 why megabus is good: they have a pricing system that favors buying ahead, so you can get cheap tickets (only works if you can plan ahead, which cuts most of us out).

Reason number 2 why megabus is good: they are double decker buses, so unless it's a really busy day chances are you can get two seats to yourself.

Reason number 3 why megabus is good: they stop at burger king on most trips.

Since this post was motivated by utter fucking rage, here are the more numerous reasons why megabus fucking sucks fat elephant dick.

Reason number 1 why megabus fucking sucks fat elephant dick: even though they say they have outlets, the outlets never work.

Reason number 2 why megabus fucking sucks fat elephant dick: sometimes the internet doesn't work either

Reason number 3 why megabus fucking sucks fat elephant dick: when it is working, the megabus wifi network blocks youtube.

Reason number 4 why megabus fucking sucks fat elephant dick: no overhead storage

Reason number 5 why megabus fucking sucks fat elephant dick: there is at least one person sitting fairly close to you who is complete batshit crazy (i understand that this is a problem that isn't exclusive to megabus, but more symptomatic of intracity busing).

Disney Sports Movies, Life, Playoff Baseball

As I sit here watching game 4 of the ALCS between the Yankees and Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, I am reminded of a few things:

1. The American League is a poor excuse for a baseball league. Tell your pitchers to learn how to hit and tell that extra juiced bat on the bench to lay off the roids and play right field!
2. Those that know me know that my dislike for the Yankees is great. One of my classic young memories was when I attended the first regular season interleague game between the Yankees and Mets at the old Yankee Stadium. Upon entering the stadium with my Mets jersey on, I was immediately the object of scorn for two inebriated Yankee fans, who hurled profanity my way until my father ushered me to our seats. So, I love the Mets but as they are terrible, I watch the Yankees this postseason. THAT BEING SAID:
3. I don't trust the Angels. When Disney makes a movie featuring your real team, a team that exists in the real world and plays real baseball, you are an object of scrutiny. Angels in the Outfield? Come on.
4. That goes for the Mighty Ducks also. This isn't Air Bud, this is the NHL. 
5. In the National League, we've got the Phillies THE WORST POSSIBLE TEAM and the Dodgers (spurners of Brooklyn). What's a Met fan to do?
6. Watch football, we've got 2 good teams in New York
7. WHAT? The Jets and Giants both lost this past week?? Badly? Jesus
8. I'm going back to reading tech blogs.

Dead and Gone

From LOLNews/punditkitchen.com:

In related news, its June. I know I've fallen off; I blame the person involved in this blog NOT named His Champion.

I'll try my best to keep posting. How about you boost my ego by telling me how much you miss and desire my posts?

Melting my face

Some people don't understand when I describe my musical tastes as the never-ending pursuit of facemelting. Don't know what I mean? For example, some crazy hard rock could be described as facemelting. Exhibit A below:

Exhibit B is a classic facemelting jam by one of the country's best bands, Umphrey's McGee. Drop the jamband hate and get out and see these guys. They do so many things well, including melting faces.

Finally we get to Lil Wayne, Weezy F. Baby, Young Stunna. He goes by many names, and as a solf proclaimed facemelter, he can't feel his own face, so why do you?

Weekend homework is to listen to these songs and think about how facemelting connects them all. Class dismissed.

10 things I am thinking a lot about these days

1. If I could be on the first ship to colonize Mars, but I would have to live the balance of my life on the Red Planet, I would. No questions asked.
2. I have not heard anyone call pancakes "flapjacks" in a long time. Too long.
3. Stephen Colbert won a contest to name a new portion of the International Space Station. Ballin.
4. Why continue this charade? Everyone knows we'll be cyborgs in 50 years, so why not start making our voices sound like robots?
5. I like to have a plant around, because when its late I take comfort knowing that something else is alive in my room.
6. Is there anything better than discovering historic architecture and/or sites in New York? Probably, but its still really good.
7. Jay Cutler is a bitch.
8. I do not envision a time in my life in which I will not listen to rap.
9. There is nothing you could do to convince me to buy a new American-made car. Sorry, I just keep it real.
10. Finally, this video still gets me every time.
    

Love to all my peoples.

Takeover

AK, is runnin this blog shit.



S.A.M., get gunned up and clapped quick.



It was never the quality of Sam's posts that was lacking, but the kid has fallen off as of late. He hasn't posted since he told the world his MSPaint art was more John Blaze than Jackson Pollock. A bold claim, but somehow he pulled it off.

Sam, I love you, but you gotta show some love to the internets. If we don't get discovered soon then we'll miss our chance to take the world by storm as and up-and-coming young cynical overeducated Web 2.0 comic duo!

In other news, Phish is back together, and T.O. is going to the Buffalo Bills. We are truly living in historic times.

I never dreamed of living this long.

Feelin It

I'm not talking about the song off of "Reasonable Doubt."

Well, actually I am. Always. But I also want to discuss "feelin it" as a term in general. This useful phrase can be used to explain even the most irrational of actions. For example, every time I go off on an irreverent tangent and get called out for speaking nonsense, I just cover and say that I was "feelin it, yo."

Other situations in which the use of this phrase is appropriate include:
-when one has drank too much
-when one orders that extra hot dog, chili cheese dog, ice cream cone, etc and then fails to finish it
-when one plays rap music at loud volumes early in the morning
-when one gets caught reading People magazine
-when one switches from skiing to snowboarding
-when one balls at a higher level than those around him/her
-when one makes an objectively bad play in Halo
-when one blows off responsibilities to go to the beach and build a sandcastle
-when one has drank too much

Some might question why I have even written this post. Those people, however, clearly did not see the same subtlety in it that exists in a well played game of cricket.

I'm just feelin it on a Monday night. Get 'em.

Four Score and...WTF?

So this week, on Thursday, is Abraham Lincoln's 200th birthday; to be honest, I'm so happy for the old guy. He doesn't look a day over 125.

For real though, there is a Lincoln orgy going on in this country right now. The New York Times even took a break from reassuring limousine liberals that it is not in financial hot water to run a piece on some new books about Abraham Lincoln that are coming out around this historic birthday. Accompanying the story are some cool cartoons of the 16th President.

New lets get real. Maybe its just me, but I am at the point where I doubt whether many of the anecdotes attributed to the Great Emancipator are true. I mean, he did not free the slaves. He freed slaves in parts of the country that were NOT PART OF THE COUNTRY in 1863. He was a great President who held the country together in perhaps its most trying time, but I feel like we are talking about Augustus in the age of Constantine here. Lincoln is nevertheless a vital part of the American myth; if pennies go out of circulation I will NOT be happy.

I do really want to go to the Abraham Lincoln Birthplace National Historic Site. They built a Greek Temple around a reconstruction of the cabin in which he was born. Get into it.

Art

I did this in about a minute and a half in Microsoft paint. Had it been with a real brush and canvas, I'm pretty sure some n00b with too much money would buy it for $700. Sure, that statement probably pisses off a lot of 'artists' out there. "You don't know what it's like man," "You're uncultured," "People don't want to buy your computer paintings of genitalia."

Bullshit.

My shit is more John Blaze than that.

See some of my earlier works posted on this blog around the time of the last debates between McCain and Obama. This is art. None of that depressing oil or pastel shit.


Nice beret asshole.

I'm outtie. Tell these people something they don't already know about me.

Its Boss Time!

So the Superbowl was last night. If you did not know this, then you are not reading this blog because you are not a real person.

As I predicted, despite his "beast" effort, Larry Fitz couldn't win the game on his own, and when it came down to it Big Ben made that key play when it really mattered.

All I have to say is, Costas, can I get a job? You know I would be better than Dennis Miller was on Monday Night Football. Not only do I have a rapier wit and a once-in-a-generation sense of humor, I know something about football!

For all the non-football fans, I know that you only watched the game for the ads, and possibly the halftime show featuring Bruce Springsteen. There were some good ads from Doritos and GoDaddy.com, but overall there was no Pets.com sock puppet to blow my mind.


A few more observations about the game/festivities/orgy of American symbolic might in the face of an uncertain future. Did everyone see General Petraeus doing the coin toss? Dude, shouldn't you be in IRAQ supervising the election there? Seriously, WTF? Also, The Boss was good; a little over the top, but keeping it just real enough. I still pine for the Aerosmith/Nsync/Britney Spears/Nelly days. Faith and Jennifer Hudson before the game were aight also. As for this lip-synching rumor, I don't really care. What do you think about that?

So take-home message is that while football is great, and I mean great, there are 13 days until pitchers and catchers report to Mets Spring Training. Yes.

While you're at it, I am currently listening to my friend's radio show on www.wbrs.org, Brandeis Student Radio. The show is called Old School/New School and its on Mondays from 10:30-midnight. They occasionally play Weezy. Holla.

Jamie Foxx

Tonight is the pre-inauguration concert in Washington DC and Jamie Foxx is supposedly giving a reading. When I become President of the United States, I will no doubt also have a multi-genre celebrity speaking at my pre-inauguration party. Some people hate on Jamie Foxx. I can't understand this. One person that I until today considered a friend, who will remain nameless (her name is short for a piece of male genitalia), was talking some serious shit about Jamie Foxx earlier this afternoon. Her reasoning: "I don't like when celebrities think they can do more than one genre." That's some bullshit, Jamie can do anything, which as proven tonight includes historical speeches. Here's a clip of Jamie sabotaging a fellow comedian at a roast of football great Emmitt Smith.



Basically anything Jamie Foxx does is historically relevant, not just the speech tonight. The fact that Jamie Foxx is a multi-genre star allows him to get down on historically relevant music, like Gold Digger. I heard this song at least three times a night at every party I went to my first year at college. You all remember.



College was pretty fun. Everything escalates quickly at college. Drinking, papers, mostly I'm talking about drinking. God bless the brass monkey and fuck the dealer. There is of course no rule though that we can't drink heavily outside of the golden gates of academia, it just becomes a little less accepted. Fuck it. I plan on drinking a brass monkey on my 50th birthday party. And 60th and every decade I make after that. Bring it.

T-T-T-TR

So in light of Barack Obama's coming inaguration I would like to offer some advice to teh next Leader of the World/ Baller in Chief:
I know that everybody is talking about FDR as a model for your presidency, but I would like to offer up another suggestion. The other President Roosevelt. TR!

I think its clear what I am talking about from these two portraits. I don't see Barack rockin that little string off of his glasses! In fact, he's not wearing glasses at all--he probably has contact lenses, which are commonly known to be the work of the Devil and will result in your eyes falling out on your 60th birthday. This is a fact.

But back to TR, my favorite President. I have a bust of him on my desk even now as I am writing this. If you don't believe me, ask anyone I know. Chances are they will not hesitate to embarass me by verifying this story. Why is TR my favorite president, you ask? Well, let me enumerate just a few of the reasons:

1. He made the Grand Canyon a National Park.
2. He was a rancher.
3. He wrote the definitive Naval History of the War of 1812 (bonus question: What was a main cause of the War of 1812?)
4. He was on a hike in the Catskills when he learned that President McKinley had been shot and that he would become president.
5. In his "comeback tour" he won the most votes of any 3rd Party candidate, with the Bull Moose party.
6. He killed more animals for fun than any other President.
7. He's from NEW YORK, just like Ja Rule.
8. He is present in a picture of Abraham Lincoln's funeral procession through New York City.
9. He is named after the Teddy Bear (I am just told that this might not be true. I will have to check and get back to you).
   
10. He built the Panama Canal.

OK so that last one brings me to his biggest shortcoming, but its kindof a biggie. Jingoism. Yes he thought that the US of A could do whatever we wanted in Latin America. This is not cool. President Elect Obama, don't be about the Roosevelt Corollary.

I guess what I am really trying to say is, Barack (Can I call you Barack?), should I get this cartoon as a tattoo?

Brain Dump

In the spirit of the previous post, here are some of the things I have been thinking about today:

Ricky Henderson got inducted into the baseball Hall of Fame in his first year of elegibility. He used to be a coach on the Mets. I always love seeing people affiliated with the Mets getting into Cooperstown.

The Game is coming up on my list of favorite rappers. Watch this video of him and Kanye (who will always be #1 in my heart).

It would be really cool if I were actually born in a different time and place. For example, colonial New York, Ohio and Michigan when they were the Western frontier of America, colonial French Canada, ancient Rome, first generation British convict in Australia, the people who went out on the Pacific Ocean in canoes to populate all those islands. Really any other era has at least a few perks.

I am pretty much over Barack Obama. Its great that he got elected, but since he has suuuuch high expectations I already know he is bound to disappoint. He will likely cave to environmental interests in the face of economic catastrophe. If this is really a New New Deal, I want all new sidewalks, playgrounds, National Parks, publicly-funded murals, surveys of historic buildings, and dams. Also, finish the sculpture of Crazy Horse out there in South Dakota

Why beat around the bush (no pun intended)? I spent all my political energy on the election. Now, just let me watch cartoons and experience this country's last decade of pseudo-relevancy. Nothing we can do about it people.

I don't really like Mondays, especially when there is no Monday Night Football to look forward to.

When the Matrix is revealed to be real, I'll be there telling all you fools "told you so!"

It goes without saying by Sam that it takes all of my efforts at times to remain grounded in society and not let my mind explode under the ridiculous state that is modern American life. To make matters worse, I work in Times Square and am forced to look a giant ads for Charmin all day. Charmin! As if I'm going to a play and thinking to myself "you know, I bet Charmin is good. My ass does get sore when I wipe it with yesterday's USAToday."

= = the end of the world. That is an ipod speaker/TP holder.

What do you think about THAT? Now I'm faklempt. Talk amongst yourselves.

Step Up

I'm feeling the pressure. I can't sleep. I can't eat. It consumes all of my thoughts. The Kid simply out-posts me. It's not just quantity (in which he also excels), it's quality.



To understand his talent for blogging, you first have to understand The Kid. His mind races. At any given moment when most of us are walking through life with blank slates or thinking of sex, The Kid's mind is usually being blown by at least four different ideas rolling around in his melon. Even in the picture above, you can tell that finishing those 40s is probably only one of about three different ideas that The Kid is trying to organize. He needs to get that out. He'll happily let you know absolutely everything that's going through his head at any time, but now he's found another outlet: the blog. Considering this, his flow of posts can actually be considered moderate compared to his true potential.

Time to insert a random funny and/or rap related picture to fill up space:


Basically I need to step it up. Despite an overwhelming amount of hate, I will continue writing my crime/erotic novel. I will rely less on gimmicks in my posts. But I refuse to stop putting up pictures of Lil Jon.

Worldwide hustlers get that dough

Its Saturday...


I know this is not the real video but they all had embedding disabled. Deal with it.

Also, I want to talk about Ludacris here for a few minutes. I think that he gets nowhere near enough love and respect. According to wikipedia, he is the highest selling artist in the history of southern rap, but I feel like no one is willing to say that they really feel him. I think this goes along with people being generally unwilling to admit that they like popular rap. Get over yourself, turn off the Aesop Rock (no offense, I also love him), and put on some of that grimy shit!

This is a man who gave the world such classics as "Area Codes," "Roll Out," "Move Bitch," "Welcome to Atlanta," and my personal favorite "Diamond in the Back."


Luda has a sick flow, and he reps the ATL without relying on crunk, which although amazing is not really the type of music you just throw on (be real people).

In closing, I give you one more song to prove my point. "Hip Hop Quotables." If God's line is busy you might have to two-way him. Case closed.

Cristes mæsse

Thats the Old English phrase for "get me the complete Aqua Teen Hunger Force on DVD or I don't love you anymore Daddy."

This one is for all the goyim out there- the birth of our lord is yea but a few hours hence.

Look upon these animated GIFs and remember what Christmas is all about- wait, what is it all about?

Shit I don't know, I'm Jewish. Happy Hannukah, mofos